Weekend Update on Fire and Fury – SNL

Weekend Update on Fire and Fury – SNL


♪♪♪
>>>Announcer: IT’S “WEEKEND UPDATE” WITH COLIN JOST
AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>>THANK YOU.>>GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
HELLO.>>WELCOME TO “WEEKEND UPDATE.”
I’M MICHAEL CHE.>>I’M COLIN JOST.
>>>THE BOOK “FIRE AND FURY”, A SALACIOUS EXPOSE OF THE TRUMP
WHITE HOUSE, WAS RELEASED LAST WEEK.
AND THEN THIS WEEK THE SEQUEL WROTE ITSELF.
>>>DURING AN OVAL OFFICE MEETING ON THURSDAY, TRUMP
ATTACKED PROTECTIONS FOR IMMIGRANTS FROM AFRICAN
COUNTRIES, WHICH HE CALLED S-HOLES.
THAT’S WHAT NBC ASKED US TO SAY, BY THE WAY.
S-HOLES. EVEN THOUGH THE PRESIDENT CAN
SAY [ BLEEP ]HOLE. OOPS.
AT THIS POINT, I FEEL BAD FOR PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN.
EVERYTHING YOU YELL AT THEM FOR, THEY CAN BE LIKE, “BUT THE
PRESIDENT GETS TO DO IT.” THE MOST INSANE THING, OF
COURSE, IS THAT TRUMP SAID A BUNCH OF RACIST STUFF RIGHT
BEFORE MARTIN LUTHER KING DAY. WHICH IS LIKE POUNDING BEERS IN
THE CAR ON THE WAY TO REHAB. NOW, I’M WORRIED ABOUT WHAT HE’S
GOING THE SAY THE DAY BEFORE PASSOVER.
[ LAUGHTER ] TRUMP SAID INSTEAD WE SHOULD
TAKE MORE IMMIGRANTS FROM COUNTRIES LIKE NORWAY.
AND NORWEGIANS WERE LIKE AMERICA?
WE’RE NOT GOING TO THAT SHAATHER HOEVEN.
>>>YOU KNOW, IF I’M BEING HONEST, WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME,
“DID YOU HEAR WHAT DONALD TRUMP SAID ABOUT HAITI AND AFRICA?”
I WAS LIKE, “OH, BOY. DID IT START WITH AN N?”
BUT THEN I HEARD WHAT IT WAS. AND I WAS LIKE, “THAT’S IT?
I HAVE SAID THAT ABOUT COUNTRIES FOR NOT HAVING A CVS.
HERE’S THE THING. MY JOB IS TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT
THE NEWS. BUT TRUMP SAYING SOMETHING
RACIST ISN’T EXACTLY NEWS ANYMORE.
IT’D BE NEWS IF TRUMP SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT WE NEED MORE OF IN
THIS COUNTRY? HAITIANS.”
AND BY THE WAY, HE’S NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT THINKS LIKE THAT.
I’VE LIVED IN THIS COUNTRY MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I’VE BEEN ASKED
TO GO BACK TO AFRICA SEVERAL TIMES.
AND IT’S NEVER BEEN BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT I WOULD ENJOY IT THERE.
DONE, YOU DO REALIZE HOW RICH THESE PLACES ARE IN RESOURCES,
RIGHT? I’M MEAN, THEY’VE JUST BEEN
ROBBED AND EXPLOITED FOR CENTURIES BY WESTERN POWERS.
SO CALLING IT A [ BLEEP ]HOLE IS LIKE TELLING THE KID YOU
MOLESTED, “BOY, DID YOU GROW UP WEIRD.”
[ LAUGHTER ] IT WAS REPORTED THAT JUST BEFORE
THE ELECTION LAST YEAR PRESIDENT TRUMP’S LAWYER ARRANGED A SIX
FIGURE PAYMENT TO SETTLEMENT TO COVER UP AN
ALLEGED AFFAIR BETWEEN TRUMP AND PORN STAR STORMY DANIELS.
SO AT LEAST THERE’S ONE STORM TRUMP WILL PAY FOR.
I JUST ALSO WANT TO POINT OUT WHAT A THRILL IS IT TO BE ALIVE
IN AN ERA WHERE “PORN STAR BLACKMAILS PRESIDENT” IS LIKE
THE FOURTH BIGGEST STORY OF THE WEEK.
AT THIS RATE, A YEAR FROM NOW, WE’RE GONNA SEE THE HEADLINE
“TRUMP FOUND WITH DEAD HOOKER” RIGHT NEXT TO A CROSSWORD
PUZZLE. [ LAUGHTER ]
>>>AT A CABINET MEETING ON THURSDAY, TRUMP CALLED FOR
FOR TOUGHENING THE COUNTRY’S LIBEL LAWS TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR
PEOPLE TO SUE MEDIA OUTLETS FOR MAKING FALSE CLAIMS.
TAKE A LISTEN AND TRY NOT LAUGH.>>YOU CAN’T SAY THINGS ARE
FALSE, KNOWINGLY FALSE, AND BE ABLE TO SMILE AS MONEY POURS
INTO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT. AND WITH A STRAIGHT FACE.
HIS LACK OF SELF AWARENESS IS ALMOST ADORABLE.
AGAIN, HE’S NOT TOTALLY WRONG ABOUT THIS.
HE’S JUST THE WORST POSSIBLE PERSON TO POINT THIS OUT.
HE LIES ALL THE TIME. IT FEELS LIKE I’M LISTENING TO
O.J. COMPLAIN ABOUT THE LOOPHOLES IN
THE JUSTICE SYSTEM.>>>IN A PRESS CONFERENCE,
PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID IT SEEMS UNLIKELY HE WOULD HAVE TO BE
INTERVIEWED BY ROBERT MUELLER AS PART OF THE RUSSIA PROBE,
BECAUSE QUOTE, “THEY HAVE COLLUSION.”
IT’S ALMOST LIKE I’VE HEARD HIM SAY THAT BEFORE.>>THERE IS NO COLLUSION.
THERE’S BEEN NO COLLUSION. NO COLLUSION.
NO COLLUSION. THERE’S NO COLLUSION.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO COLLUSION.
>>HE SAYS “NO COLLUSION” THE WAY A DUMB ASS FRAT BOY WOULD
SAY “NO HOMO.” IT’S LIKE, I MET UP WITH THIS
RUSSIAN GUY THE OTHER NIGHT, NO COLLUSION.
JUST REPEATING THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER DOESN’T MAKE IT
TRUE. FOR EXAMPLE, EVER SINCE TRUMP
GOT ELECTED, HALF THE COUNTRY HAS REPEATED THE PHRASE, “THIS
CAN’T BE HAPPENING.” AND YET IT VERY MUCH IS.
>>>IN A NEW INTERVIEW, PRESIDENT TRUMP SAID THAT HIS
TWEETS ANTAGONIZING KIM JONG-UN ARE PART OF HIS STRATEGY.
SAYING, “YOU’LL SEE THAT A LOT WITH ME.
THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN, SOMEBODY IS MY BEST FRIEND.”
IT IS A STRATEGY EXPERTS REFER TO AS EARLY ONSET DEMENTIA.
>>>SPEAKING OF DEMENTIA, TRUMP UNDERWENT A PHYSICAL EXAM ON
FRIDAY. AND HIS STAFF RELEASED A
STATEMENT ANNOUNCING THAT TRUMP IS
IN EXCELLENT HEALTH. THAT’S RIGHT.
THIS GUY, PRESIDENT DRUM STICK IS IN EXCELLENT HET.
BECAUSE IT SAYS THAT THIS GUY IS BUT I’M WONDERING IF IT’S FAKE,
BECAUSE IT SAYS THAT THIS GUY IS IN EXCELLENT HEALTH.
UNLESS HIS CHART SAYS “BLOOD TYPE: THICK,” I’M SKEPTICAL.
>>>AFTER OPRAH WINFREY’S GOLDEN GLOBES SPEECH, MANY IN
THE PUBLIC ARE CALLING FOR A RUN AT THE PRESIDENCY IN 2020.
OH, CAN’T WE JUST HAVE A REGULAR ONE FOR A WHILE?
JUST A REGULAR BORING OLD WHITE DUDE PRESIDENT THAT SMILES AND
SHAPE SHIFTS INTO A LIZARD AT NIGHT.
I’M TIRED OF ALL THESE FUN IDEAS FOR PRESIDENT.
I MISS BORING POLITICS. I MISS WHEN PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME,
“DID YOU HEAR WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID?
AND I’D BE LIKE, “NO!”>>>AFTER HER ACCLAIMED
GOLDEN GLOBES SPEECH, OPRAH WINFREY IS CONSIDERING
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. OPRAH’S LONG-TIME PARTNER,
STEDMAN GRAHAM, ADDED TO THE RUMORS WHEN HE SAID SHE WOULD
ABSOLUTELY RUN. HERE TO EXPLAIN ARE OPRAH AND
STEDMAN.>>HELLO, AMERICA!
>>YES, INDEED. YES, INDEED.
WHAT SHE SAID.>>ALL RIGHT, LET’S START WITH
THIS. OPRAH, ARE YOU RUNNING?
>>COLIN, I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS FOR A WHILE.
>>LONG TIME.>>AND I WOULD LOVE TO GIVE YOU
AN ANSWER.>>HERE IT COMES.
>>BUT I DON’T KNOW.>>NO ANSWER TODAY.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>THIS IS AMERICA.
RUNNING FOR POLITICAL OFFICE IS TOUGH.
>>SO WE’RE NOT DOING IT.>>BUT IT WOULD BE WORTH IT TO
SERVE MY COUNTRY.>>WHICH IS WHY WE’RE DOING IT.
>>NOW, OPRAH, YOU ARE ALREADY VERY POWERFUL.
[ LAUGHTER ]>>YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW!
[ LAUGHTER ]>>WHY WOULD YOU EVER DO THIS?
>>I’LL TELL YOU, COLIN. I NEED TO GET WHITE WOMEN BACK
ON TRACK.>>GET BACK ON THAT TRACK, WHITE
WOMEN.>>EVER SINCE I’VE BEEN OFF THE
AIR THEY HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF CONTROL.
>>MM-HMM.>>THEY VOTED FOR TRUMP.
>>WHY?>>THEY VOTED FOR ROY MOORE.
>>EW.>>THEY KEPT 12 DIFFERENT SHOWS
ABOUT FLIPPING HOUSES ON THE AIR.
>>CRAZY.>>IT’S A MESS!
>>IT’S A MESS.>>SOMEBODY NEEDS TO LOOK THESE
WHITE WOMEN IN THE EYE AND SAY, YOU DESERVE THREE OF MY FAVORITE
THINGS: LOVE.>>MM.
>>RESPECT.>>THAT’S RIGHT.
>>AND A NEW PANINI MAKER.>>YOU GET A PANINI, YOU GET A
PANINI.>>SO MANY.
>>WHO ELSE IS GOING TO DO THAT BUT ME?
>>NO DAMN BODY, THAT’S WHO.>>LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,
COLIN.>>SURE.
>>WHO BETTER TO HEAL THIS NATION?
I’M THE ONLY WOMAN IN AMERICA WHO IS ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS
WITH DR. PHIL.>>DOCTOR.
>>DR. OZ.>>ALSO A DOCTOR.
>>AND DR. DRE.>>THE WHOLE MEDICAL COMMUNITY.
>>I’M SURE YOU’D BE GREAT, OPRAH, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE
SAYING WE DON’T NEED ANOTHER CELEBRITY PRESIDENT.
>>AND I CERTAINLY UNDERSTAND THAT.
>>YEAH, THAT IS A GOOD POINT.>>BUT I DISAGREE.
>>AND SO YOU’RE DAMN WRONG, COLIN.
>>NOW IF OPRAH WAS PRESIDENT, WHAT WOULD YOUR ROLE BE?
STEDMAN, WHAT WOULD YOUR ROLE BE?
>>WHAT? YOU GOT A QUESTION FOR ME?
WELL, MY ROLE WOULD BE SIMPLE. I WOULD BE THE FIRST STEDMAN.
>>RIGHT. AND WHAT DOES THAT MEAN.
>>TBD.>>WELL, I THINK YOU’D BOTH BE
GREAT. OPRAH, IS THERE ANYONE OUT THERE
WHO YOU THINK COULD BEAT YOU?>>YES.
THERE IS ONE THING IN MY LIFE THAT’S BEEN ABLE TO BEAT ME.
BREAD! ALL MY LIFE I’VE LOST TO BREAD!
PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME RUN AGAINST BREAD!
I HATE BREAD!>>OPRAH AND STEDMAN, EVERYBODY.
>>I’LL LET YOU KNOW, SOON.>>LOOK OUT BREAD.

100 thoughts on “Weekend Update on Fire and Fury – SNL

  1. Good god, Leslie Jones is fucking garbage. Her impressions are shit, she can't read her lines, she can't deliver a line without falling over it first and her comedic timing is trash. Does she have blackmail evidence against Lorne Michaels? Is that why she got to stay and Sasheer had to go?

  2. Liberals in 2016: "We don't need a tv personality that talks too much as president." Liberals in 2018: "We do need a tv personality that talks too much as president."

  3. Porn star blackmails president.
    I can Google the first "lady's" naked ass.
    Two statements which never existed in history until trash moved in and sullied the WH.

  4. 4:03 thou doth protest way too much no collusion no collusion no collusion sounds like my little brother when he had some collusion LOL

  5. I thought that the video of Trump was doctored or edited for a joke, but no. That's our president.

  6. You know bread in Spanish is pan and there is a political party in Mexico called PAN (Partido Acción Nacional or National Action Party in English) so she said she always lost to bread so she wouldn’t win if she ran for president in Mexico in another political party

  7. Now that it's 2019, does SNL plan on giving up on the "that's racist/sexist/homophobic" bullshit? Sorry, but FACTS aren't racist, even if they hurt your feelings. Calling those countries SHITHOLES is 100% accurate. There are children fighting guerrilla warfare, white people being cast out of S Africa, Sharia Law and Muslims are still raping women and killing gays, and 3/4 of the country doesn't have clean water or bathrooms. Feel free to ask any Italian what they think of the "migrants" that pour into their country each and every day. Crying like a little bitch because Trump hurt your feelings does NOTHING to FIX the problem. Get off your dead ass and do something to help those people you "care" so much about, or stop the virtue signaling and shut the fuck up. Whiney cunts.

  8. They're not shitholes because they've been exploited. They're shitholes because they're underdeveloped and filled with violent militias insisting they have claim.

  9. 7:28 if only Brie Larson had made it into a joke like this when she said "I'm gonna be the first me thank you VERY much"

  10. Mr. Michaels: Hatred isn’t funny. Blatant attacks on Trump and others is humor. I noticed that you have sweetened up your audio track with added laugher and load “yelps.” This gimmick is similar to Jessica Simson’s appearance on your show, or the Millie Vanilli debacle!
    SNL has a reputation for not being funny. Good for you that it’s the only thing on late Saturday night.

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